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#13 Tyler Grant
Height: 6'1"
Weight: Crushing
Nickname: Polar Bear (who knows calculus)
Position: Everywhere
Quote: "RoAoOouUuOoAahR..."
Previous Teams: Princeton Clockwork, PIMP, Feral Cows, Kaos
The largest land mammal in the world, Tyler Grant, is truly an endangered
species. With his natural northern habitat disappearing, along with the
recently-noted shrinking of some decidedly southern areas, this creature's
future is uncertain. It is fortunate for him that his extreme speed and
dexterity, not to mention his exceptionally large paws, have a hypnotic
effect on the females of his species.
Little is known about this dangerous creature, but researchers have begun
to formulate an understanding though interviews with those who have
encountered him in the wild. It is believed that because he needs to spend
so little time searching for a mate, he can devote all his energy to
enlarging his calves in an attempt to improve his already ridiculous 48"
standing vertical. It has also been noted that his internal clock is
apparently set at least 30 minutes slow, regardless of what time zone he
is in. This may be because of the inability to tell time by the sun in the
northern-most areas of his natural habitat, he never developed this
particular skill.
Some unexplained behaviors include the wanton movement of large boulders
into apparently random organizations, repeatedly spiking volleyballs at
inoppertune moments, shaving his fur into a half-inverted mohawk, and
performing differentiation while making Chewbacca sounds.
Playing ultimate frisbee against Tyler is not recommended. He often dazes,
humiliates, and demoralizes his opponents repeatedly, and without ceasing.
Sometimes when he is done with that he will eat them, and later get sick,
expelling them out of both ends on the side of the freeway (near where
some of his pulls end up). If you see Tyler on the field, run the other
direction - but not too fast or you may trigger his hunting instinct. |
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