#17 Rachel Habbert
Thigh circumference: That of a man's calf
Years with Mischief: 2011-present
In the long line of super computers Deep Blue preceded Wolfram Alpha, which was outclassed by Watson. Watson enjoyed a brief day in the sun before running and hiding when it came into contact with one Rachel Habbert.
Until Rotch came along, the world had never seen such natural language processing skills. Her brain is a multi-terabyte database of highly structured information about every ultimate player, every team, every tournament ever to be mentioned on the spam-filled (yes, still) pages of RSD. Her parsing ability is such that she can swiftly sift through the junk and glean only the useful facts from the few useful posts before the authors have even posted them.
So, naturally, we posed her a complex problem: how can we build the best ultimate frisbee team possible? After a barely noticeable pause, she Gchatted us right back with not only a tryout schedule, but the final roster of our team. Unfortunately, the strangely fickle weather gods had other plans and elected to batter the California coastline with torrential rains and tornado force winds in order to cancel Cal States. Luckily, we had Rotch's list from which to work and after a water-logged round robin, her list proved to be 100% correct.
When she is not mentally out-matching Stephen Hawking, Rotch can be found on the ultimate field breaking marks and skying opponents. And if there's a turn on offense, you can be assured that Rotch will immediately get the disc back on D. After all, we've already found that she has little trouble switching gears.