#91 Ryan Gerlach
Years with Mischief: 2007-2010
There are only three notable things from Wisconsin: cheese, funny accents and Ryan Gerlach.
In California there's plenty of cheese (happy cows) and funny accents galore (diversity)...so if you ain't Ryan Gerlach
we don't want it.
Ryan is the carrot-topped secret love child of famous redheads Lucille Ball and Vincent Van Gogh. Don't ask me how that happened
but it did and it was hot. In his novel Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift elaborates on this hotness: "It is observed that the
red-haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mischievous than the rest, whom yet they much exceed in strength and activity."
In Ryan's case, this is an extreme understatement. Upon graduating from Hard Knox College, Ryan won the coveted award for
"Biggest Hub on the Hook-Up Tree" by maintaining an unprecedented zero degrees of separation from all students, faculty members
and custodial workers. Hoping to parlay his natural lust for life into a career, Ryan began practicing deep tissue groin massage
and kama sutra-inspired yoga. After a truly freaky freak accident during a demonstration of "all the fly positions," Ryan decided
to get jiggy wit it instead, snagging a backup dancing job with the New Kids on the Block. His charming freckles and mutton chops
made him an instant fan favorite.|
Though he was originally tapped for starring roles on both "Saved by the Bell" and "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Ryan officially quit
showbiz when he discovered that he could fly higher and faster than a walrus astronaut. Nike promptly began production on a new
line called "Air Gerlach," only to revoke their offer when a display of endzone indignation was mistaken for unsportsmanlike
celebration. Ultimately, Ryan decided that joining Mischief was the best way to showcase his vertical and horizontal talents.
We couldn't agree more.
Leopard print photo courtesy of Bil Elsinger.