2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 |2007 | 2006 | 2005
>
#22 Justin Safdie
   
100 B.C. In one of Eastern Massachusetts' most humble limestone quarries, Aurelia Safdie conceives Justinius Safdie IV. We won't get into it here but it was the greatest day in the history of Western civilization.
98 B.C. Justinius conquers arithmetic, inadvertently invents the abacus.
94 B.C. Justinius, using the Safdie Horse technique (which he would later teach to the Trojans and rename the "Trojan Horse"), conquers Europe by pretending to be a mild-mannered bass player in the orchestra.
90 B.C. Justinius, using the Pincer Ambush technique, conquers the playground at dusk and invents Mountain Dew in order to pound three 2-liter bottles of neon liquid in celebration.
88 B.C. Justinius is crowned world champion of "Odyssey of the Mind." The meaning of this is unknown to mere mortals but be assured that it was both glorious and prestigious.
76 B.C. In a busy year, Justinius invents the wheel, sliced bread, irrigation, ultimate frisbee and Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. He creates and later annexes the Ultimate Players Association after he wins the coveted Callahan Award. Justinius unfortunately consumes on the order of 16,000 barrels of Spiced Rum during the celebration and goes into hibernation.
... Lots of good shit happened in between.
1600 A.D. Justinius awakens to find the world changed. He discovers he now has facial hair and spends the next few months perfecting the trimming of his beard. Realizing that all the sugar in those rum and cokes caused his hibernation, he vows to drink only diet cola with his Captain.
1694 A.D. Justinius commissions Johann Pachelbel to write Pachelbel's Canon in D major. He decrees that all future songs use those 4 chords, thus paving the way for all popular music. Recently, archaeologists have discovered musings by Justinius that anticipate the birth of Miley Cyrus and her travels to hold a party in what would later turn out to be the United States.
1918 A.D. Justinius accidentally allows incompetent underlings to trade Babe Ruth from the Red Sox to the Yankees. There was much rejoicing in New York and the Red Sox subsequently suffered for 86 years.
April 12, 2008 A.D. After a long courtship, Justinius marries Gretchen Safdie nee Sponburgh and thus improves his empire exponentially. Soon after, the Patriots (still reeling from their Super Bowl defeat) and the Red Sox (limping along in a steroid-induced haze) begin hemorrhaging talent. The phrase "You can't win 'em all" is coined after Justinius says, "You can't conquer every empire you want."
November 2, 2008 A.D. Justinius, still smarting from the terrible state of Boston's sports teams and the relative success of their bitter enemies in New York, flies into a blind rage, destroying 15 of the best ultimate frisbee teams in the country en route to winning the Open National Championship with Jam. And there was much rejoicing.
May 5, 2010 AD A.D. Justinius realizes that his fondest wish in life is actually to win a Mixed National Championship. His wisdom and coaching acumen earn him the moniker "Bill-Belichick-of-ultimate-frisbee-but-without-the-cheating-and-with-better-fashion-sense." He chooses to lead Mischief -- the most attractive, talented and dedicated team in the nation-- to victory.

The rest, as they say, is history.